Live Edit One

We are out of step with nature
as we blush and cuddle in early spring
it is budding and birthing
and in fall, when we bar ourselves in
against winter snow

the trees, comely, blush
and flirting expose their
slender limbs

I once caught two trees kissing
as I looked out my frosted window
listening to autumn winds
she (blushing red) leaned
in to him, they intertwined
his thick trunk holding him
upright against her

when morning came I noted
she still bent a bit his way
a lonely branching caught
in his wicker fingers

Alright, so that's the original. Whenever I start working on a poem, especially one that I have on a computer I always write it down in pencil in one of my notebooks. Just the act of writing it down usually produces some corrections, and at the very list forces me to think about it in a more distant way. Transcription sort of pulls me back, makes me really see and hear what I wrote. Anyway, here're the things that immediately strike me about this poem. I'm fond of the conceit, and I particularly like "a lonely branching caught/ in his wicker fingers" and "the trees, comely, blush/ and flirting expose their/ slender limbs". I find my seasonal notes somewhat weak however. "Frosted Window" is unbearably cliche, autumn winds and winter snow and early spring are all just uninteresting. Something needs to be done there. Also, the "we"s in the first stanza seem rather pretentious. Let's see what I can do.